Auditioning Trials, Errors, Joys, and Pains.

Third time’s not a charm.

Today I went to the “La Cage Aux Folles” ECC (Equity Chorus Call) for dancers today. Last September and this past March I made it through all three rounds at this call and got to sing my 16 bars at the end. Here’s a show I feel I’m great for, and that premonition was being acknowledged in my two prior times having been put all the way through to sing. 

I was super excited to be able to go back in again today. The tour goes out in September, and I would do anything to get on that band-wagon. But today just didn’t pan out; I was cut after the first ballet combo this time, the simple few eight counts that I had done twice before.

But that’s how it goes. They self-professed to be looking for something VERY specific when it comes to the Cagelles in this version of the show. So as much as I think of myself as Hannah, that doesn’t mean that they see the same thing. That’s just how the cookie crumbles when it comes to this career, this business, this art. 

These auditions with Duncan Stewart and Benton Whitley (Southgate Productions) have been amazing. They have an ability to make such a warm and positive environment unlike many others that is so nice to audition within. Even in these large open calls, mixed with Equity and Non-Equity actors, they are truly paying attention to each and everyone of us, giving us our chance, our opportunity to shine. I hope they have more auditions in the future that I will be able to attend. More than anything, they are great guys who have been so nice to me in this brand new chapter I’ve just stepped into. 

This past Monday, I had a great opportunity to go in for Lt. Cable for the Non-Equity tour of “South Pacific”. I was fortunate enough to get this appointment through a Middlebury alum who contacted my professor Cheryl, asking if she had any recent graduates who would be interested in auditioning for them. I immediately responded as Lt. Cable has been a dream role for such a long time. I sing his song, “Younger than Springtime” for a lot of my auditions as it sits very well in my voice.

My audition on Monday went really well. I sang 16 bars from “Younger than Springtime” and read some sides from one of his first scenes. I got a lot of great direction from the director about needing to ground myself, feeling the weight through my heels to in turn relax and lower my speaking voice. Aka, be more butch. I did my best, trying to not have my sides shake uncontrollably in my hands as I read. At the end though, they asked me to come back the next day for a callback! The director asked me to really work on the whole grounding sense, which I totally agreed with. I was so excited!

The callback was pretty good. I read the scene into the song, which is difficult in an audition because a lot of how it works is through the direction of the physicality and who moves when to trigger what verbal response. But when I got to sing, I felt great. I almost forgot the trick ending, but quickly got back on the bandwagon and used it the adrenaline rush that came with the realization that i had to keep singing. I really focused on having the weight in my heels throughout the audition and relaxing more than anything. 

It went over pretty well I feel, but I have no idea. At this point it’s in their hands. I have a feeling I didn’t get it, but I was proud to get the callback. I was up against three other guys the monitor said, and two out of those three got the same note as I did about “being more butch”, so at least I wasn’t the only one.

This whole notion of “being butch” definitely put me into a funk right after my callback. I had gotten there early to prepare and the whole creative team was in the room, chatting about the people to come. I could hear almost everything as they didn’t close the door. 

They come to me...

“He has such a beautiful voice!”

“I wish someone would just shake him and tell him what to do!”

“BUT, he can actually hit the notes...”

So great, I have a pretty voice but I’m too gay to play a macho straight guy. I know I can play those characters, but when it comes to the audition room I’m having difficulty finding and using the tools in which to change my pulled-up dancer body into a lower-weighted butch guy. 

“Well, next time when you have to come in for a role like this, maybe you shouldn’t look so put together... When you look all groomed and pristine as well as having nice posture and a fun attitude, generalizations are made. I mean, it’s just how it happens. Judgments and ideas of who you are happen immediately as you walk in the room.” Notes from the 24-year-old monitor...

I was wearing nice khakis that were slightly fitted, a blue button-down, brown belt, my boots, and show specific period-looking hair. It’s not like I came in with a razor tank-top, short-shorts and eye-liner on. But maybe because my pants were tighter I was seen as “gay”, leaving the creative team unable to look past my sexuality while I performed. 

Yes, I know I would need to work on my “butch-ness” for the show, and that would come with rehearsal, it always does. But because I may have not been butch enough in the auditions, or because my clothes were too put together, I could have missed out on an amazing opportunity. Gay men can play those parts. I can play those parts. But being who I am can work against me in the audition room. That’s probably why I love performing my cabaret. I can be me in a performance and just let loose however I want to. Personally, I find it sad that when you work with a director in the audition room, and he or she sees that you, the actor, is competent and can take direction (during my first time in, I was doing the scene a second time after receiving some notes, and on the second line in the director goes, “YES! That’s it right there! Start with that!), but the director is still focusing on this fact that you may be too gay to play the role convincingly. 

Frankly, it hurts on a different level than the usual one of rejection that we as actors deal with in this business on a regular basis. When it comes down to an aspect of my sexuality possibly interfering with me simply playing the scene, a feeling that I couldn’t perform well enough because of my being gay, I just can’t help but take the rejection a little more personally. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, my audition experience with Clemmons and Dewing casting was great! They, like Southgate Productions, made such a wonderful audition space and were so nice and supportive throughout my times in the room with them. They all took the time to make me feel so welcome, wanting me to do well. I was so grateful to even be considered for a call-back and to be in the top four for such a great role. 

It’s really time to get an audition workshop under my belt; both Southgate and Clemmons/Dewing do audition workshops, so I’m totally looking into them. Now that I feel I have a positive relationship with each and admire the work they do in the casting world, I would love to continue working with them to get some tips on how to be a better auditioning machine. It’s a skill we didn’t touched on up at Middlebury, so I feel behind when it comes down to it all. Hopefully some of this work will provide me the tools to be more confident in the audition room and not fall into my dancer, super gleeful personality that can pull across the “gay curtain” in front of me. 

Unfortunately, that’s where we are now in our world when it comes to gay men in theatre looking to play straight characters. There is a perception that we can’t change. But why don’t straight men go through all of this questioning when asked to play a gay character? I don’t know if this will ever change, but that’s how it will be for now. So if I want to get a job, I have to conform.

I am an actor. I happen to also be a gay man. When it comes to my art, I come and play the scene: find the basic workings of the scene as well as of the character, and play. Yes, I use some of my experiences as a gay man to ground my artistic choices. However, that doesn’t mean that my art all of a sudden becomes gay, that the scene becomes gay. All I do is use the over-arcing lessons learned from my own trials, errors, joys and pains in life to help create the scene, whatever it may be about and whomever it involves. Just play the scene. That’s all I should do.

On a completely different note, the CD my former a cappella group recently finished is now available on iTunes! Be sure to check it out; it’s an awesome CD. I also have a couple solos on there (“I’ll Make Love to You” and “Showdown”). 

Follow this link to order it on iTunes! It’s totally worth the $10!

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/parlor-games/id435780158

I miss the Bobolinks so much, but I am looking forward to a summer with many of them here in New York City: Hannah, Raina, Gregg, Catherine, Meghan, and Todd! I can’t wait!

Manhattan here I am!

Yet another long span in between posts. I feel like I have an excuse, but an excuse is just an excuse. So here’s to another big catch-up entry...

I am an official Manhattanite! A little over a week ago I moved in with my good friends Jayson and Ed to 150th street and Adam Clayton Powell. It’s a lovely little apartment with the perfect size room (probably a third of the size I had in Jersey), nice size kitchen, comfy living room, and chic black and white NYC bathroom. Sure, it’s small compared to Jersey, but this is all that I need and I couldn’t be happier. 

Each day I keep seeing how much more of a Manhattan guy I am than a Jersey one. Now, I have nothing against Jersey. I was very happy to have been there during my “transition phase” into the city and I know Jersey works for a lot of actors and people who are looking to save. But Jersey didn’t work for me; the transportation aspect - having an hour and a half in between the one and only bus I could take in and out of the city - was just not my thing. The ability to just jump on a train at any time and be home in 20 minutes here in the city is just so amazing for me now. You live and learn, right? 

Living in Manhattan is wonderful, especially the area that I am in. I’m across the street from an express train-line that brings me right into “Audition World” as well as transferring me anywhere else. I have groceries within a two minute walk of me, Target within a 15 minute walk across the bridge, and a Domino’s down the street - the perfect destination when this energy-filled city drains me of any desire to cook. AND I’m living with two amazing guys. What more can I ask for! 

My workshop has only two more classes left and I’m wondering how it went all so fast??? It has been so helpful in demystifying many business aspects of non-profit work and how to acquire the financial basis upon which I can create and produce my cabaret. During the time of my move, I definitely fell behind a bit in my assignments for this class due to the actual move, catering, and now another new job, lifeguarding! Yup, I’m lifeguarding outside on a roof-top pool on the Upper East Side just like my Aunt Maggie did when she was in New York at Juilliard. It’s really a perfect weekend job as there are usually no auditions then and rarely conflicts with my normal night-time catering gigs. 

However, now that my schedule is starting to solidify a bit more, I am able to take my cabaret work more seriously and make sure I am making the time to get this produced. There’s a lot of work to get done, and it is up to me as the producer to get all of that under control. Luckily, the tools and resources have been provided through this workshop and I feel equipped to move forward confidently. 

As far as the script and song selection goes, I have decided to start from scratch and not try to “re-vamp” or “update” my script from my previous cabaret, “Another Staged Experience”. So much has changed since those performances, and the stories I told feel dated in accordance with my current experiences. Sure, I’m almost positive I will still be referencing parts of my college experiences, but my goal with this new script is to allow more opportunities to bring in my “post-graduation year’s” teachings and trials in response to what I actually learned at Middlebury. I have a feeling the tone is going to 

be different than before, and I am really excited about that. There is definitely still going to be that conversational aspect to it all, but in a more succinct way. Now it’s just time to get cracking on it all. I’ve done a free write to get me going, and already so many ideas have come up!

In the midst of the move from Jersey, I went home for a few days in between to perform for the Stratford Public Library Benefit Event, “Broadway Comes to Stratford”. I was referred to them by the James Blackstone Memorial Library (where I had done “Another Staged Experience” for the first time) after the Stratford’s talent had backed out. I was so honored to have been asked. And even better, I was going to be paid! I was going to be paid to do my art! Life couldn’t get better.

I was asked to put together a 30-minute set of show-tunes, similar to my cabaret, that I would perform twice for two different audiences, with an encore to tie up the entire evening. I used the general format of my cabaret in a shortened and condensed version with some of the same songs as well as some brand new ones. It was this very factor that I believe tripped me up a bit here and there when it came to the stories in between. I was having a hard time finding that correct balance of not telling too much but also telling enough when it came to my stories. In turn, I felt I fumbled at times and didn’t achieve the highest standard of cohesion in tying the whole story of my set together. As far as the music goes, I felt really great with all of the songs. I’m finally finding that ability to really allow the emotion to shine through, and to not be focusing solely on staying in rhythm and on pitch. More and more I see that when I let the emotion reign, the actual musicality pings perfectly in that sweet spot of the air. Truly magical. 

It really was a great evening all around. Everyone at the library was so lovely, helpful, and professional when it came to making me feel at home for my performances. Thank you to everyone who helped me with this: Tom Holehan from the library, Mom and Dad for bringing food back to me in my dressing room, and the amazingly talented John DeNicola for joining me again on the piano.

A few weeks ago, I was asked to sing in a benefit concert for a friend’s play that is going  for the Edinburgh Festival coming up. Christy (the playwright and actress in the show) and her husband Matt (who stars opposite of her) are both so talented. I met them catering and since then they have been so helpful and willing to introduce me to other wonderful and gifted people of the business. Most recently I was invited to a reading of a new musical TRAILS (which won many awards at the New York Music Theatre Festival last year, check out their website: http://www.trailsthemusical.com) starring Matt in the leading role as well as the book written by Christy. It was fabulous. I haven’t been to a musical in a long time where I would get chills from the words, lyrics, and music every other second. 

Back to the benefit concert for their own show, YOURS ISABEL, a story based on actual letters between husband and wife during World War II. (Check out their website too: www.yoursisabel.com) Seeing that their show is based in the 1940’s, they had asked their friends to come in a sing some songs from the era/in that style. I chose to sing “Old Devil Moon” from FINIAN’S RAINBOW. I was super excited to be singing this wonderful song that I use a bunch for auditions, and thus only get to sing 16-32 bars of. This was also my Duplex debut! The Duplex is a well know cabaret theatre here in the city where many wonderful cabaret artists and concerts have taken place. I was sharing a stage from where many had launched from into successful artistic careers. Exhilarating. 

Be sure to check out the video!

At the concert, I was introduced to Jay Alan Zimmerman, who has been titled “Musical Theatre’s Beethoven”. Around 10 years ago, Jay began going deaf, but that has not stopped him from writing absolutely beautiful and moving songs. A few of his songs were performed at the Duplex and I was absolutely blown away. After the show, Jay and I got to talking about how he has a new show that he’s written and how there might be a couple of roles that I would fit well.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was ecstatic! Obviously this doesn’t mean that I was cast, and I knew that. But this amazing composer saw something in my performance; he saw something in me. Since then we have gotten together once and sung through some of his music, as well as some songs from my audition book, into a special microphone so that he could hear and watch my sound waves on a special computer system to understand how my voice works. He was saying how warm my lower register is, and that I may actually be more of a baritone than a tenor. At first (in my head) I was like, “NO WAY! I can belt A’s easily!” But since then I have been feeling and seeing what he means. So maybe I’m a closet baritone with a solid A? It’s something I’m excited about working on...

Jay is so great. We had a long chat about the business and what I actually want to be doing. He’s seen from my resume and blog that I have a varied taste, and wondered where exactly do I want to be going.

“I really have no idea...”

As of right now, I do still love performing, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving being in front of an audience. But where do I want to be performing, in what venue? Is it in a revival? A new show? Cabaret? And what about choreography and directing? It’s all still up in the air, and I'm not about to go grabbing any one down yet, however balance them up there just a bit longer.

Well, that’s enough for now. There is more to come, but I have to get ready for catering now. Be sure to check back soon for more of an update! Happy Spring!   

E.N.D. of "Spelling Bee"... B.E.G.I.N.N.I.N.G. of Workshop

Yesterday was our final performance of “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” at the Westchester Sandbox Theatre in Mamaroneck, New York. What a joy this production was! I cannot express properly how talented and amazing this cast was to work with. Everyone brought so much to the table in creating these absolutely lovely characters to share this story. What I loved too was that we all held each other to a high level of performance quality that we collectively and instinctively wanted to represent in this piece. We knew we had the talent to create a great musical, and we did everything we could to do just that together. In turn, we heard yesterday from Jason Summers - the artistic director of the WST - that “Spelling Bee” was the most successful main-stage production the theatre has put on when looking at the net profit and amount of seats filled. What a treat to be a part of!

Not only was this cast an absolute joy to work with onstage, we also just had a fantabulous time offstage. Yes. I said fantabulous, and that barely conveys how much fun we had. I don’t think we ever stopped laughing really. The amount of memories and fun times we had could sustain my happiness for months to come. I already miss everyone so much but know that we will all be back together again soon whether on or off the stage. It’s gonna take a lot to keep us apart.

In other news, I just started a workshop this past week that I am super excited about. It’s called, “Produce Your Own Work” and is taught by my friend Molly Pearson. Molly was one of the producers of, “The Green” (the film I worked on this summer in Guilford... Be sure to check out the the trailer and the website for news and information about the movie: www.thegreenthemovie.com).

Knowing that I had moved to the city and had done some cabaret work, Molly reached out to me with information about her workshop: “I think you'd have a blast, and we could really work together to develop a musical revue/cabaret/play/short etc to help you generate more industry attention and keep growing as an artist. I'd be so thrilled to have you in the workshop.” So, with a little re-budgeting, I was able to put my name in to be a part of this workshop. 

What really drew me to this class was that it is not only about the artistic side, but also the business side of it all. So we learn really how to be a producer for our own work and to be successful in getting it out there for the public and industry members to see.

Right after the first class, I knew that this is exactly what I should be doing. When it comes down to it, just auditioning to be in shows is not what I want to be doing. While I know auditioning is a big part of this business, I know that a lot of my time will be just auditioning and not actually acting. So I want to find other ways to work, and I’m going to do that by creating my own work. 

As part of my first assignment for the workshop, I had to write out the “heart of the project”, also know as “the why”, the reasons I want to create and perform a revisited and revamped version of my solo cabaret, “Another Staged Experience”. I feel what came out when I was writing truly expresses what I want to be as an artist through this kind of self-created work, so I though I’d share it here...

Just recently playing Chip Tolentino in "Spelling Bee", I kept thinking about how I didn't want to be spending the rest of my artistic career trying to be cast to play and tell others' stories when I have stories that I want to share just as much, if not more, with the World. Having now had performed my cabaret three different times for three very different audiences and receiving great feedback after each of them, I see that I have stories from my own experiences that are worth sharing and that people are actually interested in hearing them. 

I am now able to compare what it feels like to perform in another show after having done my cabaret, and I have to say there is something very different having come off the stage having played Chip compared with telling my stories. I loved playing Chip. The whole experience working with an amazing cast and creating this wonderfully funny and heart-felt show was a pure joy. 

On the other hand, each time I finished a performance of my cabaret, I had a new sense of joy and freedom, a feeling I had had only once before. It was after my performances of my senior thesis work at Middlebury. I had put together a night of scenes and songs of a large variety of characters - everything from a drag queen to a masochistic man - and finished the evening with my own autobiographical piece. When people came and talked with me about my show, all they could talk about was how my autobiographical piece really moved them. I was in shock; I had no idea that my experiences, my words, would have that much of an effect. All I wanted to do was be to me onstage, and just doing that made a much bigger impression that I thought possible. 

Now similarly with my cabaret, I leave the stage and am able to hear the audience's reactions to my stories, bringing them into their own experiences, and talk about that transition with them to further see how my stories make them feel. I felt I was starting a conversation that will and can only change lives. That's what I truly believe art is here for. This doesn't mean I think I'll be doing autobiographical work my entire life, but for right now autobiographical work is where I feel I can create the most authentic art from and start the most conversations from. 

Ever since I was little, I have loved reading non-fiction books. There is something truly amazing to me about reading other people's real experiences, knowing that what I was on those pages actually happened, that someone really felt that, that someone made that leap. I feel our perception of reality has been skewed drastically since the creation of "Reality TV". I want to bring "reality" back to it's true meaning through my art, my own creative powers. And what I'm seeing is that my own life is a great place to start from. 

I am looking so forward to the rest of the sessions with Molly and the other individuals taking the class. It not only will get me on a schedule to actually get this cabaret performed in the city, I will also be learning so much about producing along with acquiring many new contacts and ideas from others. I really feel this is the perfect place for me to be at this point of my artistic career. I don’t want there to be any moment when I can fall into complacency and despair when it comes to my art due to not being cast in a show. It is my duty to myself, to the artist within me to allow as many opportunities for my artist to shine. That means staying a step ahead of the game at all times and having a show or two in my back pocket. Molly’s workshop is helping me do just that and so much more. 

With an end always comes a new beginning. Let’s go! 

MiddKids, "War Horse", Creation.

Last week I was beautifully reminded how talented Middlebury Students are. I was invited to a benefit concert for an amazing organization, “Opening Act”, a non-profit who’s aim is to bring theatre arts to some of the poorest public schools of New York City and the Boroughs surrounding. Through a guided process, these students create a piece about what they want to discuss to be performed on a large main-stage theatre right in the city. Their work is so wonderful, bringing students a sense of self-confidence through this creative outlet. 

Be sure to check out their website: www.openingactnewyork.org

My best friend Leah was the one who put this evening of entertainment together. In being a Midd Kid herself, she brought many of our mutual friends to the event to perform in as well as support this cause. Three of my good friends sang, each bringing me straight back to the hills of Vermont. Tim Shepherd sang with guitar on his knee both covers and original work, rocking his rasp and runs out of the park, chilling the audience into absolute awe. Judith Dry came to sing her own original songs in front of a live audience for the first ever time, and of course in Judith style nailed them with confidence, wit, heart, ingenuity, and her Dry humor. Emily Kron rocked out soulfully on covers with her singing/guitar-playing friend Peter Albrink with a connection any stage duo would kill for; it was beautiful to experience.

Among these three, many other friends from Middlebury came to support our Midd performers. It was a lovely reunion, sending me back to so many wonderful memories. I was definitely nostalgic and I relished in it as long as I could. It made me realize how much I miss the ability to be around so many talented, smart, driven people 24/7. I do hope this quick meeting will lead to more get-togethers amidst all of our busy city schedules.   

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My parents and I every Christmas treat ourselves to a Broadway show. This past year we ended up waiting till this past weekend to see our show of choice, “War Horse” at Lincoln Center. When I was in London a couple of summers ago, this show was just getting huge, but I never had a chance to see it. When I heard that it was coming to New York, I knew we had to see it. Luckily, Santa read my list, checked it twice, and left an envelope with tickets to “War Horse” amidst the ornaments of our tree for Christmas morning.

This was the most magical production I have ever seen on stage. Hands down. Everything from the use of projections, to the minimalist set, to people morphing from darkness into the light, and of course the puppetry was amazing. I’ve seen “The Lion King” on Broadway twice and absolutely love it and was thinking it was going to be quite similar with both using these elaborate, life-like puppets. In reality though, they are so different. While Disney pulls out all the stops and fills every moment with stimulating business and creativity, the production of “War Horse” was specific, purposed, focused in its work. Every set piece, every costume bit, every light, every projection, every part of the puppet had its purpose on that stage and meant something for the story. A door frame that was to symbolize the house meant more than just that. I saw how a door can create a separation, a barrier, and an opening all at the same time. Projections of dates, images, animation, and abstraction were blown up onto a meaningful shaped screen adding other options for the audience to collectively follow the story along with. The bare stage with simple abstract graveled streaks of paint formed the basis of a canvas from which the action of the actors and puppets jumped off of and into audiences’ minds. 

Then there were the puppets. I have never seen such beauty in my life. The technicians that worked those creations were geniuses. Having grown up with horses, you learn how to read them by their body movements and their sounds. Sitting in that audience, I thought I was watching a real-life horse up on that stage. Every single movement the three people collectively made in creating each of those horses was spot on from where the movement truly comes from in response to the horses’ natural instinct. Whether is was a kick, a shiver of the withers, a tail flick, or gait, those puppeteers had it down. And they never stopped moving! Even when the horse wasn’t being referenced in the scene, if it was onstage, it was alive and breathing. How all three men were able to become that one creature in motion as well as in sound astounded me. It was ingenious how the multiple puppeteers would often make the one sound of the horse. If you listen to a horse neigh, you can hear multiple tones at once, and that was exactly what these puppeteers did in perfect harmonic unison. 

Now, because my family and I have a connection with horses, we were loving it. During intermission, I overheard the lady next to me talk with another lady she came with about how she didn’t understand what the big hype was about. I was flabbergasted and immediately asked her why. I think she was stunned, but responded saying, “If I wanted to see a puppet show I would have gone to the circus.” I almost fell out of my seat explaining to her that this was probably the most magical thing I have seen on stage. We proceeded to have a conversation, this lady and her friend along with my mother and I about the show and theatre. While her friend was loving it, this lady said that she likes a show that dives deep into characters minds, where there is turmoil and grit within the human existence. She self-processed to liking theatre to be black and white. 

I agreed with her in liking that depth that theatre can show us of a character and that this show didn’t really have much of that as far as character and storyline goes. Overall, those aspects of character development and storyline were basic, BUT welcomingly relatable amidst all of the other stimulation the stage was providing. In response to her “black and white” comment, I rebutted saying that it is - and should always be - theatre’s job to bring us into the gray to learn more; black and white is actually quite boring and doesn’t bring us anywhere in our existence. I also explained to her about how life-like these horses actually were, how special that was for me to see with my connection to horses. I urged her to go home and watch videos of a horse or even just see a horse in New York City, inspect them, and remember how this show portrayed them and see all the similarities they were able to express with materials and humans. We talked the entire intermission, and as the house lights were dimming for the second act, she leaned over and said, “I’m definitely watching the rest of this with a new eye.” That’s all I could ask for. (At the end of the show, she told me she liked the second half much better after our conversation.) 

I don’t cry in theatre often, but I do. The last time I cried in a show was during the opening montage of the recent revival of “Ragtime” on Broadway. I was crying twice in this show. For me, it was because of the memories the scenes brought up from my own soul’s experiences. 

The first was when the boy was saying goodbye to his horse who was being taken to the cavalry lines. Immediately I was brought back to the days when I had leased my horse, Liberty, from my camp out in Colorado my sophomore year of high school. After 10 months in Guilford and having to send her back to Buena Vista, I had asked camp to tell me when she was going to be retired (it was going to be soon as she was getting older and continually harder to keep weight on her thoroughbred frame) and I would see if there was anyway to bring her back home to me. 

In the year between my Counselor in Training summer and my first summer on staff, she had been retired, given to an adoption agency, and adopted out, all without me knowing. I was heartbroken. I did everything I could to find her, to see how she was, to hear about where she was, but all my leads brought me nothing. I had lost my Liberty. Now watching this scene, I saw this boy saying goodbye to his horse and all of the times they had had together and was thrown back into those years of connection and love with my own horse, and knew exactly how he felt about losing this bond. 

The second would ruin the story, so I won’t give specifics. But immediately I thought of all the horses at A/U that have stood out in my life for me, Dorsey, Rita Girl, Rockie, and Liberty, and wished that I could see them all just once again. There’s something about this connection that I attain when riding and learning with a horse. My mom always said that when she watched me ride in my lessons growing up, I morphed into this other being. I was focused and at one with this creature beneath me. I really can’t explain it completely, but it’s amazing how much a simple weight change can affect your relationship with your horse. Even just a look or a breath changes the alliance between you and your horse. Everything is a conversation when working with horses, and I am constantly learning because of that. 

I miss riding so much. My Artist Way experience has me bringing up horseback riding a lot and I’m thinking it must be a sign. Even if I can’t ride, I would love to just be around horses again. Maybe when I’m home in Guilford I’ll make an effort to go see some horses that aren’t clomping the pavement of New York City. 

So, if you have a chance to see “War Horse”, GO! It’s a theatre experience unlike any other, and it really is something to be a part of.

+++++

A lot of actors are out of work right now, and are getting frustrated. Many of my new friends from the theatre world are in this predicament right now and it sucks. One of my friends feels that without a role, without a stage, he has no voice, no leverage to go and make a change for the World. My immediate response to that, which came out in my Morning Pages this morning was this: “I say make the stage and people will hear you even louder than before.” 

My art allows me to create, not only perform, and that is what I plan to do. Even if people will not cast me, I have reason to create along with ideas to produce, and no one will stop me from doing just that. Because of that, I am happy and excited. 

It’s hard to stay positive in this business. I know I am young and naive, that a lot of the World’s rejections and criticisms haven’t chewed away too much of me yet. But I’m holding firmly to what I want to do, what I want to create from, in, and for this World. I will do that. I will create that work to start conversations, to bring change, to make people think and question.

That alone brings me happiness, and I can’t ask for anything more. 

But... playing Hannah in “La Cage Aux Folles” would be nice too... :-)   

Scramble.

“My life has been a complete scramble recently. It’s been delicious. I love a good scramble, but there are moments I bite into and get a totally different taste than I was expecting. I’ve been taking steps that I’ve taken before, but all of a sudden I am stepping onto shaky foundations with a quivering body. Some of my grounding sense seems to have leapt away for a moment in the scramble. 

This morning, Emily Kron and I braved the RENT Off-Broadway open call which wrapped from the doors of The New World Stage Theater, through the plaza, and all the way to 50th street and 9th avenue. There probably were over 1000 people there no joke. 

As Emily and I sat and chatted on the corner of 49th and 9th with hundreds in front of us, our conversation brought to light that in order to move forward confidently and profitably, you have to step back and see what you’ve completed. That is what this blogging experience has been for me; this online journeying has allowed me to have a record of where I’ve come from to then be able to look forward onto a clearly lit path. 

I haven’t blogged in a while, and I’ve had so much to write about. Everything has been piling up day after day, and instead of sitting down to blog and look back on my recent experiences, I’ve been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and 1 Girl 5 Gays on Logo, telling myself I just need to “relax”, and watching gay T.V. will do just that. 

Now, I’m not saying that I’m relying on blogging to keep me sane, to keep me happy, but I’m saying that it helps me, and I recognize it for all this process brings me and my growth in the biz.”

I wrote those paragraphs over a week ago and am now just getting back to finishing this post. Yup, I’ve been that busy. Surprise? Not really. I have finally made myself stay at home, rest up after a long week, do a lot of laundry, and make sure this next week is organized to benefit all levels of my being. 

The first thing to do is finish this post.

There is too much that has happened to go through every little detail, so I’m gonna do a bit of a speed through with parts. There is no use harping on the past with its nitty-gritties, but there is purpose in recognizing what has become a part of my experience, to see how it will positively further me as an individual in this city. Thus is the reason this blog exists. Thus why I make it a thing to do.

“The Artist’s Way”:

I have finally started. But there have been hills and valleys in my dedication to the progressive process that I have begun to experience. It really is an amazing process, even in just the first week. The ways that Julia Cameron phrases how our own artist wishes to come out and how best to aid that ascent in a naturally simplistic way really connect with me. Throughout her writings, whether in the introduction or explaining the tasks, she dabbles in little gems of inspirations. While the quotes that I have collected from the first 50 pages would fill a whole post, I thought I would pick out a few of my favorites that have really connected with me:

• “[Keep] things simple because they really [are]. Creativity is like crabgrass - it springs back with the simplest of care.”
• “Creativity is our true nature.”
• “Get out of the way. Let it work through you.”
• “Leap and the net will appear.” 
• “As artists, we must learn to be self-nourishing.”
• “In order to function in the language of art, we must learn to live in it comfortably.”
• “... establish a sense of safety which will enable you to explore your creativity with less fear.”  
• “You can do it better if only you would let yourself do it!”
• “... going sane feels just like going crazy.”
• “More than anything else, creative recovery is an exercise in open-mindedness.”

I did pretty well with all the activities and tasks for the first week, only missing a few. Come the second week (this past week), I barely did any of this work with my hectic schedule. So I will be trying Week Two over again this next week and be more committed. It really is amazing how my thought has already changed when it comes to how I create myself and see other artists’ work. But I’m still letting it set in, seeing where it continues on to. 

“Angels in America”:

A few weeks ago I was introduced to Billy Porter after a show some of my good friends were in and a part of (it was a five-hour Greek Tragedy, done in a living room, and absolutely amazing - and that’s coming from a guy who lives on song and dance...). Billy has done countless work on stage and in the recording studio and is s talented. Currently he is starring in the revival of “Angels in America” as Belize and Mr. Lies at The Signature Theater here in the city. 

We got to talking about life in the city and the different paths of our art and where we are on them. I was instantly drawn to his life experiences, hearing about all that he has learned from them and where they have taken him in return. While we are definitely in different points of our career, his words became a mentor’s advice. The point that he made most apparent and that really clicked with me was that all I need “to create” is me; I am enough. Sure there are classes and lessons, but when it comes to creating, all I need is myself and my own experiences. This is even the case when creating characters that aren’t in “my making” or are “unlike” me. I always felt that when I have to play straight characters, I have to morph everything about me to create a complete man for the stage. But what Billy was telling me was that that isn’t the case; “Just play the scene” and the character will just come from there. 

What I was seeing all of a sudden was that the work didn’t have to come from exercises, that it didn’t have to come from the outside, penetrating my being, creating a tremor of illusion for the story’s sake. It all comes from me when it comes down to the base of it all. All the tools that I have learned are right there at the base with the rest of my experiences that have shaped me into the man I am today. 

Billy invited me to see both parts of “Angels in America” the following week. This is the play that was with me right when I was coming out. In my second semester freshman year, I was honored to act in a scene from it with my first boyfriend for Emily’s final Directing 1 scene. It was the scene on the beach. Adam played Louis and I played Joe. It is such a beautiful scene amidst a beautiful connection of these two souls. This was one of those processes and collective moments on stage that I will remember forever. The final showing of it was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do onstage. I had recently just broken Adam’s heart, breaking-up with him only a few days before this final performance; I was all of a sudden seeing the upcoming summer away from this new reality in close sight and was terrified what that could bring. Then here we are in a scene together having his character leave this relationship with a “gay-virgin” (my character) stripped on a cold, gray beach. It was ironic, awkward, and gut-wrenching all at the same time, but Adam and I got through it for the beautiful success of the scene. Never again have I treaded so lightly on the stage.

That summer, I had gone into a book store and picked up a copy of “Angels in America” and proceeded to read it cover to cover. It’s pure beauty on every page. Every scene is a work of artistic achievement through every character, word, and punctuation. I was seeing how the writing of a piece of theatre can truly make the show so much more powerful. As I came to my scene with Adam, guilt, sadness and love crept in. I knew I could never experience that scene any other way for the rest of my life. 

Jump two years ahead, I’m now in Directing 1 myself, and I knew I wanted to revisit Joe and Louis’s relationship. Through an amalgamation of two different scenes, my two actors and I continued the discovery of these people. It was an alluring opportunity to bring my own vision to this amazing and life-changing piece of theatre. It was the time too when the directing bug bit me. I saw how much I truly love to create a full moving picture onstage, giving me a springboard into this realm of my career.

So now, here I am, in the audience of the 20th year revival of this ground-breaking theatrical production. After seven and a half hours of these stories, I was spent and energized all at the same time. Sure, I had seen the HBO series and was blown away. But this piece is meant for the stage. Nothing can compare to the experience I had sitting in that audience and seeing this play that has been such a part of my being true to myself. It was a dream come true. And of course, when that beach scene came up, and the gray light filled the stage, my heart bounced and throat clenched just as I knew it would. It was pure beauty. 

     

Morgan:

My mom’s sister, Aunt Morgan, passed away recently. It was quite sudden and unexpected, and our family found ourselves doing everything we could to support each other from around the country. Morgan went to school for Musical Theatre and has always been an advocate for my career. While we weren’t the closest as I grew up, just in the past few years our relationship truly grew. She was able to make it up to Middlebury from Tennessee to see my senior thesis work. I’ll never forget her sitting in the front row balling her eyes out for the second half of the show. “I’m just so proud of you!” she said afterwards. 

My last conversation with her was this past October. She was the one who gave me the advice and courage to really look inward when it comes to advancements in my career. It was right then that I was deciding if I wanted to go on with the Essex Steam Train for the Christmas Show. “Just because you’re being paid doesn’t mean that it’s the right place for you to be,” she said to me. She also always told me to not run myself too thin, to give myself time to rest, recuperate, and recount. It’s all of this advice that I am taking into account in my daily travels here in the city. While there was no good time to talk with her before she passed, I’ll always hold onto that long phone conversation we had that one night in October. 

I love you Aunt Morgan. Thank you for everything you have brought to our family.

“8-Minute Musicals”:

The other night I was out to dinner with a wonderful guy, Brian, who brought up that later that evening there was a performance that a couple of his friends were in and wondered if I wanted to go. It was the 8-Minute Musicals Festival, a two week process where composers/lyriscists, writers, directors, and actors come together to create and perform brand new work, more specifically 8-Minute Musicals... :-) Brian had performed in the previous festival and was raving about the whole process and production quality. 

The theme for these musicals was “Imaginary Friends”. All eight shows were wonderful with a perfect balance of humor and depth in the telling of these stories. With a simplistic setting and lighting design plus a simple upright piano onstage, the small black box allowed our own audience imaginations to transform effortlessly along with the different stories portrayed. Not to mention the actors’ performances were absolutely wonderful on all levels. Just sitting there in the audience and being a part of this new work gave me a new sense of excitement to be a part of the movement for more productions like this. But it also made me nervous; “How can I do that? Am I talented enough like all of them?” I knew that this was merely fear trying to creep in to overtake me for the worse, stinting my own growth and possibilities. All they were doing was truly good work at the core, so how can any bad thoughts or fears come in in response to that? The answer is none!  

Afterwards Brian and I went out with the cast and production team of the show. I was introduced to so many wonderful people who were a part of this creation. I can’t wait till they have another festival and to hopefully be a part of it in some artistic way whether acting or directing.  

Be sure to check out their website and follow them on Facebook and Twitter!

http://www.8minutemusicals.org/

“Spelling Bee”:

I’m now in rehearsals for “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” and it’s going well. There’s a lot to do in the next couple of weeks, but it’s totally doable. Chip is a really fun part to play both as a character as well as vocally speaking. The challenge that I love taking on is that I really didn’t like this character when I first saw it. Sure, his big song was super fun, but I found the character annoying and selfish. As I continue to work with him, I’m seeing that there is more to him than I had seen prior. Sure, he is self-centered and thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but he also has his Boy Scout mentality that ingrains a gentleman’s sense into his being. So that’s what I am currently playing with.

Here are the dates and times of the performances:

Saturday April 9th at 8:00 PM

Sunday April 10th at 3:00 PM

Wednesday April 13th at 2:00 PM

Friday April 15th at 8:00 PM

Saturday April 16th at 8:00 PM

Sunday April 17th at 3:00 PM

The following link can provide directions and the phone number to call for ordering tickets. For people coming from NYC, it's a quick ride on the MetroNorth Train from Grand Central to Mamaroneck with a short cab ride or 15 minute walk to the theater from there.

http://www.westchestersandboxtheatre.com/#!__contact-and-directions 

“Broadway Comes to Stratford”:

Just a few days ago I was asked to perform a set for the Stratford Library Annual Benefit, “Broadway Comes to Stratford”. I was referred to them by Kate Hosfelt who was in charge of booking the space at the James Blackstone Memorial Library where I did my first performance of “Another Staged Experience”. After a quick phone chat, hearing that their talent had backed out at the last minute, I was booked to sing a half an hour set twice for their benefit event. I get to put together the set and choose any show-tunes I’d like. My goal is to do some kind of version of “Another Staged Experience”, just shortened with not as many stories and a few new songs. I’m looking so forward to this and creating a new piece to have in my back pocket along with my first cabaret. John will be playing for me again which will be perfect.

The benefit is on April 30th at the Stratford Library. Follow this link to learn more about what the Stratford Library does and ticket information...

http://www.stratford.lib.ct.us/bcts-2011-main.html

Wow... That was a lot. Now it’s time to have a productive week of rehearsing, auditioning, finding more part-time work, and creating. While the buzz of New York City has been overwhelming at times, freezing me periodically in all its motion and noise, day by day I am learning more about how to use it to my advantage, letting the energy propel me forward. Sure, things may be scrambled at times, but it can still be deliciously life-changing when I look back.