End and Death.

Endings are always a jolt for me.  

News of a death never seems real.

It takes days,

an intricate weave of events,

to see what has happened.

Form of denial?

Probably. 

Most likely.

As I thaw in days passing,

a decompression

of some sorts,

truths suddenly sparkle within.

Always known,

never seen -  

Well...

Acknowledged.

An end is a kind of death.

A death is a kind of end.

Both finite feeling.

A blunt edge. 

A steep-dropping cliff.

A fog-ridden grove.

So, when an end and a death met me last Saturday night

I moved on, 

unable to see, 

unable to want to see.

How can I put

everything I saw,

everything I wanted,

everything I learned,

everything I felt, 

here

for you

to read

and residually feel?

I can’t,

and I won’t try.

It’s not because I don’t want you to know,

to be a part,

to see my experience...

It’s just impossible.

Well, as impossible as that finite feeling...

Ends and deaths are never finite,

on a larger scale

that is.

We always move forward from both,

taking what we saw,

what we wanted,

what we learned,

what we felt.

My time at CLOC was a blessing.

My Gramps was the strongest man.

My memories of both will throw me forward.

A future awaits.

Opening up to so many possibilities. 

Chipping through the fear to do just this,

to be brave enough,

to let down guards,

to glimpse toward unseen futures.

Past those cliffs.

Through the groves.

There are gonna be a lot of changes soon.

So I’m gonna keep thawing,

letting the natural times un-clamp my being.

+++++

Thank you to the absolutely wonderful staff, cast, and crew of the College Light Opera Company’s 2012 season for opening my eyes to a whole new world. You are all family now. 

Thank you to my amazing Gramps, the “Cranky Yankee” filled with the softest and most huggable marshmallow fluff under his tough gruff. Thank you for showing me what it means to be Beeman.