It has taken me a week to actually sit down and write this entry. Lots has happened (or at least felt like it has happened) and weeks’ schedules only seem to continue to fill up with activities, work, and steps to be taken.
Last week I was in my mom’s Honda CRV, driving myself up to see my boyfriend’s last performance of “Miss Saigon” that he was performing in up at the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine. I had the great pleasure of seeing the show its first weekend with my mom and was blown away by the quality of the production. The talent within this production was absolutely astonishing. I was amazed by all aspects: the direction, all design components, and all of the performances.
Then I got to see it again! I was looking so forward to a second chance to experience the strength and conviction of this musical theatre piece; this production blasted me into the genius ways in which musical theatre can inform historical instances. This second time though, there was a depth that I connected with, bringing me to utter tears at the end.
What was different this time around? Was it just that they had found more throughout their run? Were they giving it 150% for their final performance? I’m sure these were some reasons, but I think what I was tapping into along with all of this was the sense of community and family that they as an ensemble had created. Kavin would tell me stories about all the fun they were having, all the crazy things that would happen during rehearsals and shows, as well as how they all came together for the depth and honor this show specifically requires. In a weird, twisted way I felt a part of their process, somewhat secretly able to hear first account everything that was happening.
But I wasn’t. I’m not officially a part of their show, their ensemble, their family. At first, bubbles of jealousy came into my chest, wishing I was there to partake in all the fun a production brings, the friends made, and the staged experiences to be remembered. But I knew this jealousy wasn’t going to do anyone any good, especially me.
What I was seeing and experiencing through the “Miss Saigon” backstage stories, along with this last performance, was a beautiful expression of harmony and joy unfolding in front of me, instances in which I was able to reminisce with my own theatre memories and bask in the warmth of what theatre brings to me as an individual. Theatre allows us to partake in collaborative opportunities to not only create artistic endeavors and unique expressions, but be together with other like minded beings to learn and growth within our own individual lives.
This is so beautiful to me, and I am so grateful for the entire cast and crew of Ogunquit Playhouse’s production of “Miss Saigon” whom reminded me of yet another reason why I love this creative work.
In having Kavin back in the city, I was excited to have him watch the video of “Braver. Stronger. Smarter.” as he was up in Maine for the actual performance.
I turned on the video and immediately tensed up for the entire 40 minutes. Kavin kept saying, “Relax”, but I couldn’t until it finished. Finally, Kavin was here to watch it and I was able to hear what he had to say about this piece. I knew he would be honest and I wanted him to like it. He had so many wonderful things to say as well as some really great constructive criticism. But with these constructive ideas for change I froze, thoughts swirling around, falling off the deep end into a panic fury.
Am I actually cut out for this? Was what I did actually good, or were my friends just being nice? Can I even sing? What if this isn’t the path I should be on? Have I always sucked and everyone haven’t had the heart to crush my dream?
I went through the entire gamut...
Being slapped out of this deer in headlights mode finally by Kavin, I was able to see that it’s okay that there is still room to grow, to change things. There is ALWAYS this room. I had to remind myself that this was the point of this piece; I wanted people to be here to join me in a brand new piece that is still under construction.
There is work to be done to truly allow all that I want to say and wish to say to come out in a constructive, professional, beautiful piece. This requires time and patient finesse to put together, and that very process is so exciting to me. I am seeing the positive aspects of both cabaret styles I’ve tried out, and now it’s a matter of joining the two. Something here is inside me and ready to burst out into a creative force to be reckoned with.
Once again, as it has always been, it’s about sitting down and and taking that time to create. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Hello World. Here I come; get ready!