It's Official! + Me Time.

(Written 2/14)

Well, it’s official, I finally have moved. 

Hello New Jersey! 

I brought way too much stuff, but I have a feeling that I’ll be using all of it somehow, someway. With a truck-bed full of shelving units, bedding, groceries, books, and clothes, my parents and I made the trek to North Bergen, New Jersey. Just under two hours, we pulled up to my new home. 

Kathleen wasn’t home and I’m kinda happy she wasn’t; I wouldn’t want her to freak out about this random dude coming in, making countless trips up the stairs with so much stuff. After the truck was unpacked, Mom started ironing the duvet, Dad rigged up a rogue wire, and I started envisioning the room, my room as a whole. With the bed made, Mom and Dad got back in the truck and headed back to Guilford as I took the wheel and organized the rest of my new place. 

After everything in my room was set-up and the groceries were put into the cabinets, Kathleen came home and we both quickly agreed that we were too exhausted to stay up, so we turned in for the night. My new bed (queen-size) is SO COMFORTABLE! Now, let it be known, I sleep in an extra-long twin at home like a little kid. So to upgrade to this huge bed is such a blessing. And boy did I sleep well. :-)

Waking up in a new place never felt so amazing. I realized then that this all was happening. This was real. I was about to get out of bed and get ready for the quick commute into New York City for my two auditions of the day. Today I had my audition for the Male Swing in the non-equity production of “Angelina Ballerina The Musical” with Vital Theater at 1:50 and then was hoping to get to the dancer call for the Second National Tour of “Wicked” at 2:30. It would be tight, but I would speed-walk.

The first one went pretty well. I sang my 32 bars of Barrett’s Song from “Titanic” and went through the sides for the two male characters, Dad and AZ. The artistic director, casting director and I seemed to be having a really great conversation in between singing and acting; it felt natural and genuine. It was noted that my resume shows that I have a lot of dance experience (well, that’s good to know...) and I was then asked if I had any “tricks”. 

“Well, I can do a cartwheel and a round-off...”

“No, like any break-dancing tricks.”

“I can do this hand-stand roll down thing.” 

I then proceeded to demonstrate this move that I created for myself junior year of high school for the Guilford High School Dance Team. Yeah, I kinda fell out of it at the end, but it got the point across, and was then noted that what I just did was not what he was thinking about. Oh well... I told them though that I was definitely willing to learn.

On a whole, it felt pretty good. Vocally I felt great, acting wise during my 32 bars was much better than my other recent auditions (even though it did take me a moment to fall in), and the acting during my sides felt grounded and fun. I did have to do a little impromptu hip-hop dancing in the middle of the AZ side. Trying to dance with a piece of paper is really difficult by the way. It just flaps around everywhere and looks ridiculous. 

What I was proud about in this audition was that when we were just talking, I was totally myself and relaxed, just like that audition workshop I took last November taught me was best. So now it’s just another waiting game.

Before this audition at Ripley Grier Studios, I had stopped by Chelsea Studios to sign myself up for the “Wicked” audition, and was surprised that only two hours before the audition I was #21 on the non-equity list. I got back to Chelsea just before the first equity group went in, so I quickly changed and got stretched out. 

I knew that I had to have more confidence going into this dancer call. All of the guys there were definitely dancers first and foremost (one can tell just when someone stretches). I had to go in and have fun and stay confident. It’s when I get freaked out I can’t pick up the choreography, so I couldn’t let myself get in the way of my learning. 

Now, they have workshops on this very specific dancing audition for “Wicked” to help dancers prepare for the actual day auditions are held. A lot of the guys there today had been to a “Wicked” audition before, multiple times for some. This was my first time and I just was going to go in and do the best I could. 

I LOVED the choreography. It was totally my kind of stuff: lyrical jazz with very specific timing. It was a blast to dance, and I was feeling really great. When it came to my group,   our first time around I was in the back line, and then we switched lines. There I was, all 6’3” of me, front and center and proceed to totally forget the whole piece and look like a idiot. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I not only felt like a fool, but from my own experience when someone is in front of me messing up, I in turn mess up. Thus, I felt really bad for the guys around me during that second round. 

I have to get over this fear of being in the front. Over my many years of dancing, I’ve rarely been in the front due to my height, so I’m just not used to it. Not to mention I’m used to cheating by watching the others in front of me through the corners of my eyes. It was amazing because the first go-round I felt great, so there is no reason that I could just forget everything within a minute. I just let my position in the room totally freak me out. 

More and more I keep thinking about how I have to get back into dance classes to not only get back in shape physically but also mentally. When I was in London two summers ago, I was taking dance classes almost daily which whipped my butt back into gear after a few years off. I was more flexible than ever, on my center better, and was picking up all the combinations much faster by the end of my two months there. So now it’s a matter of getting back to that point as best as I can amidst auditions, the day-job I’ve yet to find, and figuring out how I fit into the New York City scene. 

It will all happen in time. What I’m realizing so soon into my time here is that so much is already coming at me; there’s already so much to do and get together. And while I could get into my “deer-in-headlights gaze” funk (as my friend Cassidy describes it), letting stress and fear overwhelm and freeze me in its enormity, I know that that isn’t helpful at all. In fact it’s quite destructive. To stay away from that swirling madness, I just have to take each step in stride, and not try to conquer and figure out everything all at once. For example, I was done with my auditions by 4:00 today, and I thought I may go and see if I could get an application to work at Abercrombie or Hollister before heading back home. But then I decided I needed to go make sure I knew how to actually get myself back home first. I had to get myself a bus pass, find the correct gate for the 127 bus to Ridgefield, and make sure I press the red button before my stop at 69th street. So I went back to Port Authority and took the time to figure out that I can only get a monthly unlimited pass at the beginning of the month to make it worth my money, and that the next best deal was a 10-trip pass. I then was able to find the correct gate, boarded my 4:45 bus, and got off at my stop a-okay. 

Just knowing that I could get back home and figure it all out by myself allowed me to check something off my “To Do/Figure Out” list for this new chapter I just stepped into. I find it funny that it was such a big thing for me to be able to leave and come back in one day with no problems. That must sound so silly - ‘cause it definitely looks silly now having just written it - but this little suburban boy is seeing life in a different light and is loving it in its energy, confusion, spontaneity, and newness. 

Right now for me it’s about taking everything step by step. There must be a sense of building my own foundation with clear care and logical steps for where I currently am as a brand new entity in this big city. With this “building block” mentality, I hope my confidence continues to grow with more audition experience, an auditioning workshop, dance classes, and a day-job. Just one thing at a time, that way nothing will be rushed. 

+++++

(Written 2/15)

Being with myself is a good thing for me, and I need to learn how to be better with that. What’s hardest for me right now is that I have free time, time to spare, space to fill, and I  have a tendency to let that freak me out. In that seemingly sprawling period, I start grasping for anyone and anything, wanting something or someone to join me in these new strides I’m taking. Whether a friend, an acquaintance, or a boy, I send out the masses of texts, emails, and calls to everyone and anyone, looking for someone to fill a void that I have created in my own mind in which I believe others can fill. And then when there’s no response, I freak. 

Basically, I’ve reverted to my high school days, a time when socially I was desperate, awkward, and annoying, all stemming from over-analytical behavior. 

I hate it.

I had the great opportunity to quickly meet with my best friend Leah today amidst the craziness at her job (she works at Lincoln Center which is in the middle of Fashion Week). She told me that while taking time to be by myself and not always trying to get together with someone to be with others is hard, but it is so important. Obviously that’s hard to hear as right now all I want to be doing is meeting people, creating new friendships and relationships while catching up with old friends now that I’m finally here. Not to mention I’m ready to find someone, my special someone that I can be there for and who can be there for me. 

Basically, it’s all coming down to me, me, me... That’s no way to live. Leah also mentioned that I should try to do something that would bring the focus off of me. She immediately responded knowing how hard that actually is as an actor who is just trying to make it. As an actor, it’s all about putting myself out there, auditioning to get myself a booking, taking classes that will continue to provide experience and connections, etc., etc., etc.... But she’s right, so right. Actually, she’s never wrong. :-) Hopefully something will come up that I’ll be drawn to as a good option to take a break from me. 

It’s going to take time to get my rhythm here in the city, and I just need to accept that. And I’m going to have to continue telling myself to accept that. Over and over again till it sticks, reminding myself that I need to sit back and let it all happen and listen for the answer to come.