Week 1 of Audition Workshop: Tears Creating a Blog Entry.

I had the great fortune of coming across an audition workshop that started right when I got back into the city. I’ve been wanting to take one of these workshops for a long time now, but it never was working out. Finally this one screamed out my name and I am so happy I took the plunge. I could go on and on about how happy I am about getting the kick in the butt of how to set up my resume properly, to get a new headshot, and to come back to those necessary acting basics that auditioning needs at heightened levels. I could go through my notes and talk about all the little tips I’ve been getting. 

But no. I have something else. 

The people who seemingly don’t work are always the best actors. I’ve seen this time and time again. I thought it was natural talent, just oozing from their pores in perfected pitch, time and rhyme. They couldn’t help it; their souls just needed to let go of all this talent, thus every time is a grand old time. 

Then there was me, the one who had to search, pry, scratch apart, and rip through to find that connecting factor to the natural creativity - that I do believe - we all have. I’ve been through that hell, that work, and have found the results where people applaud me and praise the creation that had happened before their eyes.

Even when I do that strenuous work, the “connection” doesn’t happen 100% of the time, and that sucks balls. Why can’t I have the natural, raw talent that they do? Why can’t I tap into the reality that brings my story across to the people behind the table? Why can’t I do it?!?!?!

What has separated me from those talent-oozing people is that they perform for themselves, not for the people behind the desk. I need to create for myself. 

This realization came today from my dear, wonderfully talented and amazing roommate Jayson, whom I’ve done FINIAN’S RAINBOW and THE PRODUCERS with. I came home tonight in, as I’m going to call it, a “raging-deer in headlights” mode. So, to define that, I was stunned, freaking out, and not knowing where to turn, all the while venting my pains and anger. In that spouting madness, Jayson (about a third of the way through) pulled out a piece of paper. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I didn’t care, I was a raging deer! After about 20 minutes I guess, Jayson picks his head up from the paper and says, “You said the word ‘like’ 13 times in 60 seconds.” 

Now, Jayson has been on my back about over-using the word “like” for some time now. I have been really trying to stop, but it has been hard, especially when this raging deer violently prances out of me. So who knows what it was, whether it was tonight’s class or using “like” too many times, but I started balling. Like (Yes, I used that word. Sue me.) BALLING to the point of not being able to speak. 

Jayson of course came over and started apologizing, but it wasn’t his fault. I needed that release. I can’t remember the last time I cried that much. 

So now I was a crying, savagely bounding deer who was just spastic and didn’t know where to turn. I was freaking out that I couldn’t tap into that work that I had done for the song I was preparing for class. I was just that pretty boy singing with a pretty voice and nothing else to offer. I was unable to make a correct choice. I would never understand how to connect to a song ever again properly. Grrreeeaaaat.

Luckily, Jayson was there to talk through tonight’s class, and this is what he finally realized through my conundrum: I have been performing for others, not for myself. “You have to do it for yourself”, he said to me. “Have pride in what you are creating. Are you proud of the work you did in your performance after working with the teachers?”

Yes, I was. I was happy with the new backstory I created with Jimmy (one of my workshop teachers) and felt I really connected to it in my song; I found so much joy with that change. 

The only thing I was getting caught up on was that I didn’t get the response that I was hoping for, the words that said, “There you go Schuyler, see, you aren’t just a pretty boy who can sing. You have so much to offer and will be cast in so many shows because you have the talent to be always working.” 

That is EXACTLY what I NEVER need to be looking for to feel successful. 

When I start performing for others, all I do is fail to connect to myself, because I’m simply focused on them, not myself. My ego doesn’t need a good pat on the back with a, “You’re so great”; it just isn't necessary. Their (the people behind the table) approval of my joy is totally unrelated to my success in this field, on these stages, in these auditions.   

I am here to share my joy for performing. I love to perform, to create, to emote, to tap in. When I share that joy, I will get those jobs. Simple as that.  

I’m so lucky that my career is one that lets me do what I truly love. What I’m now seeing is that I need to remember that I love this, that the joy of performing, whether in an audition or on the Broadway stage, brings me pure happiness. As long as I can perform, I will be happy.  

So, does this mean I’ll stop working and just say, “I love doing this, and because of that I’ll be good.” Hell no. Part of what I love about performing is the background work that goes into these creations. Lord knows I’ll be working my tushie off for next week, our final week of our workshop. We’ve all been given a character to come in and sing for. I’ve been given Lucas from THE ADDAMS FAMILY and I couldn’t be happier. I really connect with him and know that I am the right type for this role. So, on Tuesday we will work on the sides and songs with our teachers, Jimmy Smagula and Benton Whitley, and on Thursday we will come back in with those same scenes and perform them in front of some members from the industry (casting directors, agents, etc.). It’s a wonderful opportunity to be seen by some major people in the industry, AKA the people who help people like us get jobs. 

Obviously there are nerves, but that’s what my preparatory work will quell, along with my newfound re-realization of how much I love to create and perform.


P.S. As I was writing this, of course I got a text from Jimmy that said this: "You did great tonight!!... I felt like you really let go on the last pass and it was awesome." That made me SO happy, BUT it's not what I need to feel successful though, as I have learned. :-)