Anxiety. Questions. Steps.

Remember when I thought I was going to sit down and write a week ago? Yeah... consistency right?

Someday.

February is a definite. I will move into the city as soon as I can after getting home from Middlebury in January. I have to be there. There is no use trying to wait and earn more money because my time here at home is just creating inconsistency with my goals and wishes. So, I'll finish out my jobs and gigs that I have already agreed to, keep my head as level as possible, stay as positive and driven as possible, stay focused, and get ready to move into the Big Apple with whatever I have in February. It'll be time. That's that. Done and done.

This past Tuesday I went to the dancer call for West Side Story on Broadway. Now, here's a dancing show through and through. Everyone knows West Side Story for its iconic steps, jumps, formations, and choreographed battles between Jets and Sharks. So I was taking this audition as a great opportunity to just learn a piece of this legend, to feel somehow, in a small way, a part of it.
It was so hard.
Going from a quick turning jump straight to a big attitude jump into to a quick double pencil turn all within the first 8 counts was so crazy. One could say it had me on my toes, but the choreographer kept urging us to get lower and angrier. As my tall body tried its best to get into that powerful plie in that awfully crowded room, I watched my stapled resume and headshot go into the middle pile of the three piles on the floor.
What was the middle pile!!!
I watched other dancers, picking out the best in each group, and then would try and spot where their headshot landed... I was only able to spot one clearly; the resume of the best dancer of the group went into the far left pile. Okay, I'm in the middle, and his went into the far left.... What does that mean?
As my mind raced, trying to figure out what it meant to be in the middle pile, I kept trying to bring back my thought to the choreography, to continue watching and reviewing the steps. It was a struggle.
Then the choreographer went to the middle pile...
"I would like to see these people again..."
Yes! As always, another opportunity to dance is a good sign. I was put into the second group of the "Try-Again/Middle" pile. I danced and wasn't perfect, but I did my best to hold onto that brooding quality of the West Side Story guy. Be angry, use it in the dance...
Then I was cut. I didn't get to go on and sing my 16 bars with the mainly Hispanic looking dancers who were put through. So who knows, maybe they weren't even looking for Jets...? Or maybe I am just not cut out for this level of dancing right now. It did make me think about how I needed to get my butt back into class and back in dancing shape. But where's the time? The money? I guess I gotta make both happen to be serious.
And, when it comes down to it, at least I wasn't immediately put in that far right pile, so I was proud of myself for that. I had a blast learning this choreography, and hope they have another one soon so I could try again. Good practice.

The Essex Steam Train's production of Fright Train opens this Friday. Ticket sales are not great right now so all the performers are performing only a few times throughout the run. Thus my actual first performance isn't until Sunday night, which I am totally fine with. I'll be able to watch the other performers and learn what works and what doesn't before I go on myself.
This process has brought on a lot of anxiety. It's one of these creations where everyone (including myself I must say) has an idea about how this brand new concept should be taken into the flesh and thus ideas are swirling and bouncing off in all directions. Along with this, we have a six page, single-spaced, story to tell in an interactive way to an audience. That's a lot, and I definitely freaked when I was given that two weeks ago and knew that I had to perform this so soon.
Tonight, I actually had to leave the room because I got so anxious and freaked out, wondering how this was all going to come together, trying to find a way to calm myself with the answer of how to make this all fit together and become the scary and entertaining piece we all want to be a part of. I called Leah on the verge of tears asking for any guidance. After a bit of venting, chatting, and relaxing, Leah told me I had to approach the director and just tell him how I was feeling to give him a heads up and hopefully get any support I could from that outlet. She also brought up how she felt so strongly that this could be part of the effect of my living at home, and what that has always made me be. Whenever I came home for an extended period of time from Middlebury, I would freak. I would always seem to journal more at home than I would at school, feeling so distant and unbalanced in this only now somehow supportive place of my life. My home hadn't changed, but I had, and my new mold didn't fit as well as before.
**Talking about this reminded me of a song written by Kait Kerrigan and Brian Lowdermilk... Have a listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yEqCRudi4o**
Taking Leah's advice, I went to the director after and explained how I was feeling and wanting to clear up where I was in my process of sharing this story with the audience and where I believed I could go for the actual performances. We talked and agreed on how it was important to get the beats of the story and let the audience experience this ghostly horror within themselves, envisioning all the happenings I share. And thus, if that means not getting every word precisely as written, so be it.
I felt so much better after that on all levels. This conversation also allowed me to just let go of not only the anxiety about the show, but also any confusion, frustration, or depression that would try to enter my thoughts during the day while here in Connecticut. Recently I have found myself in ruts, whirled into these over-analytical processes about everything from money to relationships to what I'm eating. And in turn, I have been stuffing my face with fatty foods late into the night thinking that that will somehow calm me down, when in fact it only makes me more agitated and depressed. I can't remember the last time I had a day where I went to the gym and ate four balanced meals. In turn, I feel unbalanced, scattered. I keep pushing it off: "Oh, I'll eat well tomorrow and just pig out today" or "I'll just go to the gym tomorrow" which never happens. This decline has really affected my mental health and how I am able to accomplish certain goals. The more I put off a healthy life, the farther I feel I get from being on top of my game to actively and effectively pursue this career I have chosen.
In other words, I just need to get my butt in gear and turn around. And I'm going to. I will.

Yesterday, my former a cappella group The Middlebury College Bobolinks came down to Guilford on their fall tour to sing at my church. This was the fourth year in a row that they've been down here, and I was so excited to have them all back at my house. We've always done well at my church. Through donations and CD sales we would come out with close to $400-$500 each year which was amazing. This year, we asked back Daniel Hand High School's Encore! choir to sing. They are a very high quality group and we were so excited to have them sing with us again. I only sang with the Bobos on the last song, Boys II Men's "I'll Make Love To You", which my last semester I had the solo on for the bridge section. Before that though, I took a bit of time to sing some contemporary show tunes. They were all ones that were not well known and very new-age with complex accompaniment and even sometimes a more pop sound. I sang:
"Run Away With Me" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61EL69OZSlY
"What Is It About Her?"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdSARRkQdHg
"How Glory Goes" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztXv_79ZxoU
I had a blast singing these songs, and I will probably sing them again at this cabaret that I keep saying I'm going to do someday. I want to work them again and see what more I can do with them acting and singing wise.
It was fun and weird all at the same time with the Bobolinks in Guilford after I had graduated. It was amazing to have the Bobos, my first true family at Middlebury, all hanging out again with me at my house. It was as if I never left, and that's what was so great and strange. There were times where I was able to separate myself from them and appreciate how amazing they sounded and meshed without the large class that just graduated. I was a proud parent at that time and I couldn't be happier to be on the outside. But then I would somehow find myself falling back into the mentality that I was still in the group. I was ironing my shirt for the show and was just thinking how I was going to be right back up on stage with them all and be singing the songs as I had done the past three years at this hometown concert. And then I remembered how I had graduated and that wasn't the deal anymore and I was thrown back into that whirlwind of fear and confusion of this present, post-graduation, living at home status I am a part of at the moment.
Then I would think about how I would be at Middlebury all of January, throwing myself into so many more of these opportunities of confusion and strange separation mixed with being present in this environment that I will forever more have a different connection with. While I have no idea what will come of this until I'm actually there, I'll just deal with it then. I can't do anything or know anything about that now, so there is no need to question it now.
Overall, I am so happy that the Bobolinks came and visited me. Sure it was so sad to say goodbye after such a short visit, but I knew I would be seeing them all so soon for J-Term. And while I got to have heart-to-hearts with some, I didn't get to with everyone. The Bobolinks was the best family to be a part of at school. It allowed for so many different yet strong relationships to be formed. When I was a freshman and sophomore, Tim and Scotty were the older brothers I never had. They  were my tenor buddies and made me not only the singer, but the man that I am today. And while I wasn't around as much as I wanted to be with the Bobos due to theatre and swimming,  I tried my best to fill Tim and Scotty's shoes, bringing in my younger tenor brothers like Todd and Sam, and did my best to show them the tenor style and fun attitude Tim and Scotty shared with me.
I look forward to hear about the rest of their fall tour and all the fond memories they are creating. Every year, fall tour was always what I looked forward to the most. I know each of the current Bobos will make memories like I did, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

So far, post-graduation has been set in very specific stages through my experiences. There was a) graduation, b) work, c) shows and a movie, d) new york city auditions, and now e), the next step that is still seemingly a little scattered. I'm trying to work, I'm trying to audition, I'm trying to get this show together, and I'm trying to be present. My balance isn't perfect right now, but I'm doing my best to get there and feel secure in knowing that I am taking the correct steps to not only be successful, but more importantly to be happy and to love what I am doing.

Recently, a lot has been going on, flying at me from all angles. Before, I was letting everything hit me where it hurt. Now I'm saying, "Bring it!"